Ladies and Gentlemen,
The other day I was sitting across from the person I love. I was noting as he was talking, the care he takes in what he says to me and how he told me to stop apologizing for being the person who does not believe in her own capabilities and her own success because “that’s who you are, and I love who you are”. I saw the way he looked at me as he was speaking – with this look that was so full of respect, love, concern, protection, and I thought, “Why would I waste my time on people who don’t treat me this way?”
I don’t just mean in terms of romantic love. I mean in terms of any kind of interaction I’ve ever had with anyone, especially all of you. I mean people who take advantage of the qualities that people who care about me tell me they love. I mean people who compete with me and try to be better than me at things I’ve worked so hard to accomplish. I mean people who stab me in the back as they’re sending me supportive, caring text messages that are pretending to do all the things that people who actually love me actually do without having to try.
I have wasted so much time catering to people and feeling sorry for what’s happened between me and all of you, that I’ve forgotten sometimes to look out for number one. I have effectively looked at how other people see me as more important than how I see myself. But this time, I’m not going to apologize for that.
The thing is, yes, the best people – those who truly care about you – will not let you settle in your viewpoints about yourself and the world. They will not let you because they want you to be successful and they want you to feel loved and they want to celebrate your achievements (and vice versa). If this isn’t a thing that can happen, then what are/were either of us doing there? Why did we waste each other’s time being jealous and hurtful and angry at each other constantly? In my mind, there was always something broken… not just on my end, not just on your end. And we need to accept that to move forward and forgive one another while still understanding that it will always be this way…
It makes me sad to write this letter. It makes me sad to have been so hurt by people I loved and trusted. It makes me sad to have to burn bridges and be the kind of hard-headed person who does that. But I’ve learned a lot from all of you. I’ve learned about what it means to be in a poisonous union with someone and conversely, what it means to be around people who bring out the best in you and who allow you to be even somewhat of your full potential and let you see that.
There is no sort of ‘beginning and end’ to poisonous relationships. There is no timeline of exactly when they started to go ‘wrong’, really. And there’s certainly no formula to them. They are what they are. I resent and resent but remind myself now that it’s none of your faults I feel this way, really. But that I simply cannot/could not put up with the stress of a relationship like ours anymore. At some point, it has to stop. I’m glad it has stopped. Not just for me, but for us both.
With that, I leave with a clearer head (somewhat) but an understanding of where I fit into this puzzle and how I understand it to be. It’s all I can do.