People say about reconciliation, that it’s “about you, not them”. But sometimes I wonder… is it really only about one person?
Things I’ve been unable to reconcile up until this point in my life: being abused as a child; being treated like shit by a particular teacher/mentor I had once in my life; being dumped with a high five; having to deal with a catostrophic friend breakup.
I remember reading this article once about a woman who told the police about her childhood sexual abuse long after her abuser is dead (mine has also died and I too, never said anything). The police officer was sympathetic and went with them to his grave, described the process and walked through everything with the woman and afterwards she felt less ‘unfinished’ than she did before. This was a heroic thing that was done. What she did was not only incredibly brave, but she reconciled for herself and herself only. Sometimes it’s too late but you do whatever you can to move forward. Sometimes it’s a two-way street. And sometimes it can’t be.
I think in this moment about the AA Serenity Prayer: “God, give me the courage to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” The first time I heard the AA Serenity Prayer was on Queer as Folk when Ted is writing his apology letters for his 12-step program following a rehab stint for his meth addiction. I don’t really know anyone in AA but I have lived with those words for a long time. And sometimes attempts to change something when you still can is just as important as moving forward to help yourself push through things you can’t.
I hope I did that.