Adulthood is full of brain-racking decisions and all they do is make you long for the times when you were a young, stupid undergrad who could just hide under the covers until all the monsters and ghosts lurking around your bedroom disappeared. There are monsters everywhere as an adult. When you’re a kid an adult will kiss and hug them away. They will tell you lies about the night light or that line you read before you go to sleep will help them all to dissipate. I slept with the light on until I was 14 or 15 years old and I remember waking up in the middle of the night, suddenly realizing that all the lights were off. I would panic, angrily get up and turn all the lights back on and wonder how grown-ups, especially ones who knew and cared about me, could be so cruel as to change the one thing that I needed desperately to remain unchanged.
But after years of shoving them aside, the monsters came back. The monsters came back and then they were bigger and stronger and you had to fight them on your own without another adult, without a night light, with only your wits and resources and any other scraps of anything you had to help you on your way into finding that small coveted piece of security that came so easily once before in the past. Your biggest ally is your strength. Your biggest ally is your ability to recognize how you can fight and win once you’re on your own.
When it all gets too hard, when you cash in all your gusto because you can’t fight anymore, you have to remember that this is how it’s always going to be from now on. Difficult decisions. Hardships. Realities you have to face because you’re too jaded, disillusioned and beaten down to not face them. Your fate relies on someone else – the people who hire, the people who can give love then take it away, your anxiety and depression. That thing you do when you bite the skin on your fingers, that forces you to hide your extremities away from prying eyes. The grinding of teeth at night. The sleeplessness. The world will get the best of you and unlike when you’re young, sometimes even though you’re helpless as a child, no one will treat you like that. Not ever.
Adulthood is one fucking hell of a monster. I want to slay it, and I don’t. I want to run and I don’t. And it’s going to be like this until I stand having conquered all of the demons that make the monsters around me so hard to fight.