My whole day was bloated with heavy hurt.
At the end of the day today, I gathered with everyone I know and we all sat in a room looking exhausted and burnt out and saddened and in pain, and I just went home and forgot about my duties that I should have fulfilled today. I was pretty much done. So was everyone else. My boss said to us, “Go and spend time with your family.”
I don’t have family here. Or friends. I’m just… here. Alone, with my cat and a bunch of my stuff in boxes. So I sat at home and made dinner and watched movies.
This week is going to be dark and difficult and taxing, and it will be hard to get through, and the weeks to come might not be the most amazing either. It’s just a shame that tragedy hit us so hard today, but at the same time, a blessing that a break is only a couple of weeks away.
All I wanted today was to tell the person I love how much I love him and just let him hold me for a while until the ghosts under the bed went away for at least another night. Because the only thing that can truly do that is that kind of love. I am in love with the most amazing, special and wonderful man on the planet and when he’s not here I have to just remind myself of it until I can see him again and fulfill that longing in my heart.
The thing about being in love is that I used to think it would ‘solve’ problems for me. I thought I’d be able to look at the world with some sort of impenetrable rose-coloured lens and anything I was faced with would just wash away in a sea of happiness. But relationships aren’t there to solve problems. What I’ve learned following what’s been a difficult year is this: relationships don’t solve problems. They don’t even help solve problems. In some ways, they create more problems.
Relationships make all the problems in the world – the scary ones, the nightmares, the painful things we don’t want to deal with, the bad days, the frustrations with life, the downfalls and pitfalls – easier to carry. If only a little easier to carry, but the pain is lessened, the difficulties are easier to swallow, the world is a less painful place to be in when the world is indeed a painful place to be in. It’s not the ‘job’ of a partner to do this. But it is simply the nature of life, the way that love can help lead you through the darkness, whether you ask for it to be a guide for you or not. I’m so fortunate to have that. I don’t take it for granted, nor am I ever thankless for everything he does for me; love creates a ripple effect, too, just like trauma. I’m in an environment right now of trauma and pain that grows and seizes and stays stagnant depending on the minute.. and I’m lucky enough that I have love to guide me through all of this. I hope everyone else has that too, to get them through this nightmare.