Happiness 20.0.

I’ve been really tired today, and I’ve also been thinking a lot. I’ve been thinking about how it will be two weeks since I’ve seen my boyfriend (the longest we’ve been apart since the end of July) and I’m thinking about how long distance relationships are so hard as a result of not ever being able to spend ‘enough’ time together that you’re really, truly “good” by the time you leave the person. I survive long distance relationships because I have trust, love, and understanding of the circumstances we’ve both been placed into. It doesn’t come without challenges, but I’m able to survive well enough most days. It’s not perfect, but the person is perfect for me so I’m willing to put up with the circumstances.

I remember the first time he told me he loved me. I remember what the weather looked like, and the temperature, and the night… I remember what was going through my head when I heard those words for the first time. I remember thinking about how lucky I was to have found someone who was so good for me, and so good to me, and who accepted the goodness I could and wanted to bring to him.

This year has been so hard as I juggle my career and my relationship alongside my insecurities about my practice and the fears I face when I do what I do every day. I have so much to prove. I have so much to lose. And I do it because when it’s good, it’s so good. But it’s also frightening. And all the life stress makes it that much more difficult to swallow.

But this weekend I realized the most important thing I could realize at this juncture: it’s right. I have doubts and I struggle and that’s why I went on this silly ‘happiness posts’ thing in the first place. But I’m with such an amazing person. And he makes me feel and be more amazing every single time I see him, whether he’s bestowing romantic surprises on me, or whether we’re just sitting on his couch watching TV. I’m lucky. And I know how lucky I am.

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