Today I want to talk about failure — about mine, and about other people’s.
I’ve failed in so many small ways in what I’m doing right now. But I’ve seen moments of real, unabridged success too. But, I focus so much more on the failures.
In 2015, here are all the ways I failed: I failed at living in the city I loved, I failed at finding a job, I feel like I fail in the job I do have, I fail at maintaining composure when I hurt over being apart from my partner, I fail at taking care of myself, I fail at the menial tasks that I should be doing but can’t focus on because of all the time and energy I put into my day, every day, I fail at making new friends out here, I fail at being positive, I fail at making things like exercise a priority, and I fail at being optimistic, even after countless amounts of effort. In 2015 and up to this point of 2016, I am at a loss.
Yet, I think it’s important to acknowledge, publicly, these failures. They’re out here now. And once I can visualize them outside of my body, I can breathe, take two steps away from them, then charge through them.
I acknowledge failures publicly today because as I mentioned before, I refuse adamantly to put on a show for people and pretend that I’m doing wonderfully well and I’m at my own personal best. To do that is a dishonest waste of energy. If one was truly enjoying one’s life as much as they pretend to on Facebook, they wouldn’t need Facebook. They’d just be out enjoying themselves. I have no time for people who put shows on anymore. I’ve devoted my life to real things; real things that yes, are far more difficult than anything I’ve ever done, really, but real things that I know will make a footprint in some metaphorical snowbank or sand bar.
I acknowledge failures today because it’s #BellLetsTalk day for mental health, and in some ways telling people, “yes, right now, things are not as good as I’d like them to be and I’m not having fun and enjoying life as much as I’d like to, and I am waiting for things to turn around for the first time since October 2014” makes what I stand for right now more ‘real’ in the way I’m defining ‘real’ right now.
It’s rough right now. There’s a storm and I’m just pushing through it any way that I can. Some things are good, and others are really, really, really not. But I’m not going to stop soul-searching and writing and loving and celebrating little happy moments and little victories for as long as it takes for me to find my belonging place once again. I see it embodied in some ways, and those small ways are puzzle pieces that will eventually help me figure out who I really am and where I belong. It’s coming. I know it is. It’s coming once again, and I just need to keep the faith.