I needed to remind myself today how far I’ve come.

I hate 2008. I think out of the whole year so far, I’ve only been truly happy for a total of about 15 days. Every day I wake up and the first thing I think about (actually, the only thing I think about, all day) is prayers and 11:11 and **** motherfucking ****. Who was supposed to come over today but hasn’t contacted me at all. He forgot about me. Completely forgot. He wasn’t thinking about me. Not for one fucking second. Charlotte Gill once wrote, “She lived and died by what came out of his mouth”. That’s me. Pathetic me. VERY pathetic me. There’s no one out there for me. I need to realize this and stop longing for someone who doesn’t want to be with me. But… I miss him. Soooo much. It kills me. It doesn’t stop hurting. And I want to remind him he made a date with me. But… why bother? If he wants to forget me, fine. Forget me. WHY DOES HE HAVE THIS KIND OF POWER OVER ME?! WHY CAN’T I STOP CARING!? WHY!? Because I love him, that’s why. Because I LOVE him. I really, really, really do. And I mean that. But he doesn’t love me at all, or give two fucks about me. ‘Monday’. Right. Right. Thanks SO much. For remembering me. THANKS SO DAMN MUCH. God. Iv’e always maintained that love and hate are the same. They are. Both are powerful enough to move you emotionally and passionately. I love him. But right now, I passionately, deeply hate him too. HATE!!!! And because this make me look psychotic, I don’t wish to share it with anyone. I want to DIE right now with hatred. I wish it would rain – the day doesn’t seem appropriate for my mood. This goes back to my novel, I guess. Where do you get happiness from? The more you know yourself, the more you know where your happiness comes from. Mine apparently, comes from quality time. Which I was SUPPOSED to have tonight, but instead I’ll be watching TV ALONE. So thanks, you asshole. FOR FORGETTING ALL ABOUT ME. FOR TOSSING ME ASIDE AND THINKING I’D JUST BE COOL WITH IT. FOR CONSTANTLY HITTING ON MY BEST FRIEND! ‘Monday night’. I didn’t imagine that… I didn’t. God. Fuck him. FUCK HIM. I hope he remembers all of this someday and feels so bad. Words can’t express how mad I am. Words can’t express how anguished I feel.. I’m nobody. I’m being dramatic right now. And I don’t care. Why did someone up there decide to turn me into this person! It wasn’t supposed to be this way. I’m convinced. Yes. I AM still fostering hope. I am. Because I HAVE hope. I just can’t see things any way but hopeful and clearly haven’t given up on this pipe dream yet. I wish I could. I often say (and it’s time) that I only want to date when I have a crush. While right now, I’m in so much pain, I need someone, ANYONE. A crush, a date, a random makeout… SOMETHING to make me forget about him. I had hoped that immersing myself in my writing would help me forget. But – it makes me think of him more because a) writing workshop deadline is on his birthday and b) I want desperately to pour my heart out and have him see the real me… I want him back. And I feel like I’ll just harbour that forever and ever.

No, self. He won’t remember this day. He’ll never remember this day, or any other day like it. But I can remember sitting on the floor of my then-bedroom, pen in hand, writing this very entry. I remember my open windows. I remember how warm and heavy the air was. I remember what time it was. I remember every detailed thought that ran through my mind when I faced this kind of rejection from someone I thought I loved, giving me reason to believe that this kind of unhealthy thinking came part in parcel with what it meant to be in love. I remember it all and he never will. And I said in the aforementioned diary entry that I’d never share this with anyone.  And I am now, so that anyone who actually reads my blog (if there is indeed anyone who does) that it does get better. And it does become clearer as time goes on. And sometimes when we re-examine past incarnations of ourselves we realize fully that we were in a mindset then that thankfully cannot and will not be repeated. We don’t love like this as responsible adults. And those who truly care about us would never, ever treat us like this.

I have to remind myself on this evening of self-pity, that I have come so far since I was this empty, self-conscious, servant of a vessel who loved and loved and loved to the point where it made her feel awful about herself. This person and everyone and everything associated with them is far, far beneath me now and I don’t care who knows now that I ever felt this way. If this is the only way I can take my own power back in this very powerless moment I have right now, then that’s what must be done.

Goodnight and rest peacefully, remembering that you are who you are because of difficult times and difficult days.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s