Feeling Fat.

If ever I think I’m sexy, or have a moment where I don’t think I’m beautiful — well, other girls, magazine photos, music videos, and so on and so forth, will remind me.

I’m having one of those days today where I’m slipping into the “poor me, look how much weight I’ve gained” mentality that I hate. I hate it because I have to remember so often (and sometimes even achieve this) that I am ‘good enough‘ and pretty enough and I have love and friends and I’m mostly in a good place. I just don’t really know what I can say or do to get over my body issues.

I know girls who are obsessed with their bodies and parade their skinniness around like some sort of anti-feminist showcase showdown on the Price is Right. These girls make me feel fat and undesirable. And I wonder why anyone would ever like me or think I’m pretty with all this extra weight. It’s a miserable feeling.

How can I be more positive about my body and how can I learn to love my body and myself the way it is/the way I am? I’ve struggled with this my whole entire life. Something of note is, I lost 60lb at one point and it changed everything for me – except my own self-image. I thought I would suddenly see myself as beautiful, but I don’t. I never really have.

I can say that compared to how things were when I was in high school, body image and efforts to get young women to love themselves and appreciate what they have are sweeping the internet and these efforts don’t go unappreciated. The “No Angels” campaign is a nice attack on a company that uses photo-shopped, rib-showing models and demonstrates beautiful curvy women taking back their sexuality and femininity. Mod Cloth is a company which has minimized photoshopping and shows women of all shapes and sizes wearing the company’s products, demonstrating beauty does come in all sizes. I see these campaigns and can’t quite express how much they mean to me. And yet, I’m still troubled by my own sense of self and my own body and my own conception of what makes me (if anything) beautiful.

It’s not fair that I feel this way. It’s not fair that advertising, mean girls, the internet, and society in general has so much power over how I feel about myself on the outside and sometimes even on the inside. My goal for this month is to shake this and figure out ways, even momentary ways, to appreciate the innately wonderful characteristics of my body and remember what it means to be beautiful, which is more than people facebooking, instagramming and tweeting at a constant about their stupid workout and diet regime.

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