I am quite fortunate to be able to speak about all of the things I’ve done. I am quite fortunate to have made mistakes and learned from them at the right times – not too early so I was jaded forever, and not too late so that I lacked the life experience and wisdom to move forward in a way that was “age-appropriate”. I am fortunate to have loved and lost, but still strong enough to love and maybe lose, again. I am a well-rounded person for the most part, because you shaped me. I am who I am because of you. This goes for both the good and the bad that you have presented to me.
I do find though, that I am at a loss. I am at times unable to forgive and that difficulty to forgive myself for some of the more unsavoury moments I shared with you manifest themselves in ugly ways – that are self-destructive, or just destructive in general, that I am not proud of. And what I need to remember is that this has little to do with you and more to do with me. It is my abilities (and my inabilities) that at times, make me feel imprisoned within you. I want to let go, but I can’t let go. And I question why I can’t just let things go. I will frequently ask myself, “what good is this?” and “how is this helping?” without a clear answer. And yet, sometimes I just keep doing what I’m doing.
The good news for both of us though, is that we’re both always changing. The more I move forward, the more you move forward. The more I change, the more you change. The more good memories I create, the more good memories you hold onto. Until one day, there will be so much good that I won’t focus so much on the bad. Again, that’s more to do with me and less to do with you. But – there’s hope. There’s hope I can forgive. There’s hope that I can move on. There’s hope that I can look at you and see things differently: that there is sometimes no point in holding onto good things when they’re replaced with bad things; and, there is no point in holding onto bad things when they’re replaced with good things.
We’ll both get there. I need to get there, and I need your help to do that. And someday we’ll figure it out.