I’m not sure that I agree with the aforementioned Ryan Adams quote. Do people change, or do situations change that allow us to see people the way they truly are?
I look back on so many things – so many memories, good times, laughter, times where I felt inherently close to the friends I loved and I felt like I was a kindred. And then I look around at how sedentary this relationship feels now. How badly it makes me feel when I reflect on it. Is that because other girls and/or me, have changed? Or is it because the world – our world – has changed? And in this change, how long must I be thrust into this constant tug of war, this competitiveness, this drama that continues to unfold making it difficult to just live my life without wondering who my real friends are when that’s something I should know…
There was a time in my life when I could see my life very clearly with individuals in it who I thought supported me and wanted me in their lives. And only recently, I realized I was wrong. I realized that things indeed change. That I went from ice skating on my birthday to questioning the motives of people close to me and examining and considering what to say to them and how to say it and what to hide and what to reveal and it makes my head spin.
What changed was a catastrophe. But the question is, if it’s a catastrophe for some parties and not others, then how does anyone grapple with the rubble that is to be picked up? As long as a catastrophe sits there in front of everyone, everyone feels wronged. Everyone feels the need to express their own affect. Everyone feels the need to blame someone or something. The blame is misdirected by everyone and yet there is still blame. No one knows how to put it away or shelve it. It becomes a commodity. I hate that it’s become a commodity. I hate that hurt goes in ebbs and flows because someone waves blame in front of my face and sometimes I wave blame in someone else’s face. I want to bow out of this inane and ridiculous competition. I want to only move forward. But life isn’t linear. As much as we so often look at it as a linear progression.
Maybe I didn’t see people for who they really were because life circumstances in my past were so different than they are now. And if this were not fact, I would have looked into the faces of people who are exactly the same as I view them today. I don’t know what to do with this or how I feel about it or what to do. I just never know what to do about any of it.