When you confront me, I never know what to say. I never have. Ever since that devastating, ghastly high five, my world with you – rather, ‘our’ world, if there ever was an ‘our’ – was full of awkward silences, covered up with un-awkward loveliness. I loved our loveliness. I loved you. I believed so much in what was ‘ours’. So, so, much. When I was 19 and stupid and I had no idea that was was ours meant nothing. It meant nothing to you, and in retrospect, it meant nothing – nothing – to me either.
Shame on you.
Shame on you for making the disgusting, idiotic assumption from somewhere (three guesses where) that I would sit here pining after you, you, who I have not even been in the same ROOM with, since 2010. Shame on you for even saying something so ludicrously mean and nasty not for any other reason except to hurt me and make me feel like an idiot for being nice.
I have news for you: there, is, no, shame, in, being, nice. I am not, nor have I ever been ashamed of being nice. I have absolutely no regrets about doing everything in my power to make you happy even though there was no ‘ours’ and I was trying to keep something alive that had never even really blossomed.
Shame on you.
Shame on you for apologizing for hurting me when you didn’t mean it, because you only continued your apology by throwing something else mean like mud in my ugly face. Shame on you for knowing that I was harmless, but making me feel like I was doing something harmful regardless of the circumstances. Shame on you for being stuck in the past even more than I was, am, or ever will be just because the past feeds your vapid ego. Shame on you for thinking you’re better, hotter, sexier, smarter, and for certain – more talented than you actually are. Shame on you for every nice thing you ever did for me, for that time you groped me in front of my apartment building well after you dumped me with that fucking high five, shame on you for using me to make yourself feel attractive and wanted when in reality, you’re neither of those things regardless of what’s happened to you in your life. You never will be. Never.
Shame on you for knowing – not thinking, knowing – that from the very moment you raised your palm to me on that fateful snowy sunny day in March, all the horrible things and feelings that were crawling in and around my heart like slimy, ugly worms and never talking with me about them, and just letting me suffer when you knew I was 19 and suffering so much, I was eating myself out of house and home and I was lying in bed all day, not wanting to go out or spend time with my friends. Shame on you for knowing this but being extra, extra nice to my best friends, to the point where you decided to keep them and not me – for deciding to keep my sister, and not me. Shame on you for doing this just to try and hurt me even more, because you pretend to be some nice, average joe nerdy nice guy with a talent for cinema but really you’re the most astonishingly icky, awful, evil person who took advantage of a nice girl you knew was in love with you, and you decided to jut keep going with it.
Shame on you.
Shame on you for knowing that since the last time I saw you and well before that, I have attempted to do everything I possibly ever could just to move past what you did to me, and I have done those things, and you refuse to be proud of me or acknowledge that my heart isn’t empty anymore – I found love before, I have love now, and I believe in the ability to find and embrace love in my future no matter what that looks like or who it’s with. Shame on you for ignoring that, looking past all that I’ve done with my life, and instead focusing on the shy pathetic loser who was an empty shell of a human being – because that is the weak, sad, fat, self-conscious feeble person that fell in love with you, and that was the me you liked, because that was the version of me who thought you were better than her.
And you know what? Shame on you for trying so hard to put me in my place and make me feel small again when you can’t. Because now, I have realized that I’m bigger and bolder and better than you. And I always will be.