I will admit fully that sometimes I’m jealous of others’ successes and others’ achievements. I am jealous of others’ happinesses, and it has caused me to be and feel negativity that I questioned for my own self why and how I felt this way. In doing so, I noticed that it was only certain people for whom I was incapable of feeling happiness. And this led me to ask myself: Why do these particular relationships happen to cause me this type of jealousy and anger? In turn, do my actions instill jealousy and anger into these other people as well? With one or two in particular the answer was yes. Jealous was reciprocal with people who I feel set up to ‘compete’ with for some reason. And this opens up another can: Where does that competitive relationship happen and why? And what can I do to stop it before the daggers in my green-eyed-monster eyes lodge themselves unsuspectingly into someone’s heart causing irreparable damage?
I was doing some reading on this and found some truly moving and interesting combative ways to not allow jealousy and bad feelings get the better of your relationships. I questioned whether I was doing this for me or for other people. I thought about television shows where the protagonist with whom we are supposed to sympathize yelling, “Why can’t you just be happy for me?!” and place myself into that role. Why not? Why can’t certain others be happy for me? Why can’t I be happy for others?
All I can do is promise myself to remember bad feelings and do my best to avoid them solely based on how it feels to be on the other side of them. But what can I do for other people? Can I demand to be heard? Can I demand to not be a target for their anger? No. But what I can say is this:
I have been through a lot in my life that has, at times, rendered me to be a nasty and unforgiving person. And this is no fault of the targets of my anger but rather people who can no longer hear my screams for one reason or another. That is wrong. But it is equally wrong to deny me of sharing in my happiness just because of petty jealousies of the past. Reconciliation begins not with getting ‘revenge’ but rather, rebuilding bridges. Rebuilding is indicated by one person sharing in another’s happiness as a foundation for this renewed relationship. That’s what I want and there is an opportunity for that now which, it is apparent, may soon pass. And so, what are you waiting for? Please share in my happiness. It is welcomed. There is beauty in that act. Even if you somehow fail to see it right now.