You know what I’m grateful for today? The fact that I’ve known so many awful human beings in my life.
People can justify all they want; they can say and do awful things and find reasons to stand by what they did by providing ‘reasons’ but at the end of the day, reasons mean shit to the person who got the raw end of the stick. Reasons mean nothing to someone who is oppressed. Reasons are not reasons; they’re excuses. And if you really care about someone, you’re going to care that you hurt them before you did something selfish and mean that you justified with “reasons”.
But back to what I’m grateful for.
I’m grateful that I know who is my friend – who is truly my friend – and who isn’t. I’m grateful that I have a sense of real versus fake friends and even if realizations about fake friends have shattered what I know and knew about my past in Edmonton and in undergrad, and even if I don’t have those memories anymore of what I thought I knew, I would rather stare bitchy, petty, rude, immature bullshit behaviour in the face and be glad I know it’s there, rather than continually be fooled by people who put on a smiley face and pretend to be my friend or give any sort of fuck abut my well-being. Knowing that makes me feel better about myself, even though in the moment it makes me feel worse. I would much rather know when to stop giving pieces of myself to people who don’t deserve them than grin like a moron and just keep on giving.
I’m glad I don’t have these stupid childhood notions of ‘best friends’ anymore. They don’t exist, and I was once said about that and I’m not anymore. In October I’ll be 28 and my 28-year old self who has a teaching degree and feels like an accomplished woman who has done a lot in her life romantically, financially, geographically and emotionally, certainly can leave a few fucking assholes behind that made her feel like she was stuck in a distant past. Or an episode of The Hills. I’m grateful I have real friends and real men in my life who are good people and that I can walk towards people I trust rather than people I don’t.