I don’t go for the “bad boy”. I don’t date men that I know will piss off my parents and will treat me badly so I have something to go run and complain to my so-called friends about and then go to the bathroom to cry while they all gossip senselessly about me and what I’m doing with their disapproving cackles like gremlins who’ve just played dirty tricks.

I’m the girl who goes for boys with pretty bedhead hair and who wrinkle their noses when they laugh, whose shoulders are dotted with sweet little freckles as if they were dusted with cinnamon when they were little boys and they never wiped it off. I like boys who are good kissers but not necessarily dirty kissers, whose soft lips are harmonious with mine in a way that is as innocent as it is the anticipation of something deeply, deeply dirty.

And yet, there I am, me, stupid me, diving into a boy who bites my nose as if he’s biting into a sandwich, as if maybe he’s a vampire and he’s going to suckle the blood from my neck when I’m not looking and then I will be his slave, I will be a vampire too, and wander the earth at night and shy away from garlic while the boy with the sweet freckles and wrinkled-up nose makes it his mission again and again to wipe me out clean by driving a wooden stake through my heart. He was doing it anyway, and now he has a reason to.

I’m the girl who asks questions that she’s afraid to have answered. I’m Oliver Twist asking for more, but running for the doors of the orphanage at even the first sign of a filthy, accusing look. I’m the girl who dwells and dwells and dwells on those who don’t love her and dismisses those who do, because if you don’t love yourself there’s something suspicious about others that love you. They aren’t to be trusted. They have ulterior motives. It’s been proven before and why would it ever be any different? So I gravitate to someone who acts like he loves me and maybe he does, but who I cannot love fully, because he’s a “bad boy” and he’s going to turn me into a vampire.

And that is how things are going to go, for a while.


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