As I approach this big move – my biggest ever – one so big, I never thought I’d have the means but even moreso, the guts to actually go through with it – I continually ask myself if this – all this – is indeed the right decision.
There are so many ways to make a wrong decision in life. I am always reminded, especially as of late when recently, one turning toward kindness that I didn’t plan on ended up stabbing me in the back afterwards, of the simple fact that one small turn of events could change everything you thought you knew about your life. And often, those changes are not easy to swallow for better or for worse. I used the word ‘wrong’ before. Perhaps these decisions are not ‘wrong’ as much as they are difficult. Sometimes these decisions are made for us. Sometimes we have no control over the decisions we’re forced to make. But we have to hope they’re the right ones in the end.
With every big decision there is (or at least, perhaps maybe there should be?) a degree of uncertainty. When you actively make a choice to change your life and everything about it, this is rarely an easy thing to do. Even if it’s an exciting, positive change, there’s almost always some sacrifice involved.
I was talking to a friend of mine about this last week. She dropped by my office to say goodbye to me before I embark, journeying toward what will very shortly become my life. She is also about to change her life significantly: she and her wife are about to adopt 7-year old twin girls, and I’m beyond excited for them. She told me that in the past, when she was trying to get pregnant and when the two of them had worked through the adoption process with fruitless results, she had always wondered whether she was sacrificing certain aspects of her life in order to bring children into her family and was never certain it was the right decision.
The girls she and her wife are giving a “forever home”, come from a troubled past that I won’t disclose here. Needless to say, my friend is doing a very kind, very loving, very wonderful thing by offering a colorfully decorated bedroom, toys, love and a future to be excited about, and I believe strongly that she is one of the most honourable, truly good-hearted people I know and will provide a wonderful life for the two newest members of her family.
Though past failed attempts have had had her settle into her life as-is, she is now coming toward this decision with great excitement; she and her wife are expecting to bring the girls to their new home in late July or August, and the two of them are preparing their home for their arrival; their arrival then, is the next big adventure. What is most admirable and amazing about my friend is she no longer faces any trepidation. By this time next year, she will be a mother of two gorgeous twin girls, and she’s told me she has no second thoughts, no nervousness, about this whatsoever. “Ever since I left my last job [which she held for fifteen years], I’ve been more willing to open myself to taking big risks in life and feeling more certain about them,” she told me.
I’m not much of a risk-taker; my friends may tell you otherwise (I’ve been known as of late to throw myself into potentially uncomfortable situations, just to see what could happen) but in terms of life-altering big risks, I don’t open myself up anymore then say, running a different route than my ordinary run. I can’t cut my hair, I can’t get tattoos, I’ve never sky-dived or ice-climbed or travelled to a foreign country alone or otherwise. Until now really, I’ve never moved to a city just for the hell of it without a concrete “reason” to do so other than, I just wanted a change. But I’m thinking of my friend and what she is doing to change her life and I hope for myself that my own huge change is going to have me open myself up too, to taking bigger risks, making more big changes.