Dear So-and-So (not you and DEFINITELY not you – YOU, actually):
I was thinking about you a lot this weekend. That was why I had to touch base. Because I realized something fundamentally broken in me – in us, actually – that I suddenly realized I could never repair even though I suddenly wanted to. And you were a part of me recognizing that and understanding it this long into the future.
I was thinking about apologies too, this weekend. And why we want, expect, need or don’t need apologies. To me, an apology is the bravest thing you can offer a person because it demonstrates vulnerability, self-awareness, and a need to admit that you made a mistake. It’s also a social construct which speaks to the need for closure. For closure is necessary in putting the past behind us, is it not? Maybe for some of us it’s not, but I believe for both of us, this is very accurate. Do apologies erase wrongdoings and make them right? No. They don’t. They are an attempt at doing so, which logically never erases the past. But for whatever reason, maybe my naivety; maybe because I am a firm believer in said-social construct and the closure it can and often does provide; maybe because if anyone on earth, I am fully aware that you can’t take back mistakes and you can’t re-create or re-do past actions, but an apology would have done SOMETHING to make it better – I think apologies are the most important exchange – maybe even more important than declaring one’s love for another person – that someone can make.
And for that reason, I want to offer it to you (not YOU, and NEVER you) today, and every day thereafter.
Why? Maybe for selfish reasons – because I know I did something wrong now and I feel inhumanly guilty about it so I need to hear that you’re not mad at me and you don’t harbour any resentment towards me anymore. Maybe because I now know that we’ve lived the same life and shared the same experience, and we get it – both of us do – and we’re the only two people who seem to. Maybe (and this seems the most logical) because I believe I used you as a scapegoat for my own selfish desires but mostly, to mask my own guilt. I was guilty as charged; I said the things I said, and I double-crossed – admittedly so, and I blamed it on you. And I succeeded, too. And I want you to know this never felt good for me, and I want to acknowledge that I know for a fact it felt worse for you.
So, I’m sorry. I am deeply, intensely sorry from the bottom of my often-times terrible heart. Yes, you have your problems, and you know, I do too. And we were always the same that way and we shared that. We had an understanding that our other friends couldn’t hope to have, and I ruined that. I should have listened to myself more carefully; I should have paid attention to my own motives and thought them through more deeply. I should have remembered how it felt (feels) to be the victim of mean girls and shut my mouth and stopped myself from becoming like the people from my past who I hate the most. I didn’t. And I can’t take that back. I know I can’t. And if I could, I can only hope it brings you comfort to know I would in a second.
I hope you’re doing well – I really do. That’s neither here or there, and your life as a result of everything that happened, positive or negative, should never negate or revoke or make ‘okay’ what happened. But please somehow get this message and hear out my sincerest apology.
Thinking of you,