Summer proper, as I like to call it (June, July and August) is over. September is nearly at a staggering, lazy mid-point and despite the summer weather still persisting among the calendar month changes, there is still hot sun, long fresh grass, late-evening sunsets seen as glimmering crystals of amber beyond only slightly crisping green foliage. But there is a change in the air. There’s an indescribable feeling of ‘fall’, of leaving behind the lazy lulling summer days that drift from bright day to pale blue evenings, to only a quick moment of sheer blue-black darkness, until the first light can be seen again, a tiny flickering morning star seen across the river.
This past summer has been a strange mixture of extreme pleasure, new places, cold feet, itchy feet, loneliness and physical and emotional pain (the former being nothing serious, merely the cause of self-inflicted moderately intense exercise). This past summer has been one that I once promised myself would be my final summer here in Edmonton, but has turned out to be three months to carry me from a busy, stressful May to a busy, stressful September. I’m still in the same place. That place of ‘real adulthood’ where I have to wake up to a buzzing alarm every morning somewhere between 5:00 and 6:00 a.m. and brush my teeth, throw together some outfit, and leave the house while the sun is still resting atop the horizon. It’s familiar, and comfortable, secure, and the same every single day. And I think, this is what I wanted. This is what I always wanted my life to be like ever since it all collapsed into a deeply-affecting cavern of despair, self-hatred, bitterness and constant isolation and questioning what would happen, and when it would happen.
I haven’t written. I haven’t written because there was just nothing to say. It’s been ages since I made this supposed pilgrimage to all of these feelings and moments of inspiration I experience when I write something. Writing something helps to make organized sense of chaotic thoughts. And there’s been too many chaotic thoughts; it’s been like attempting to catch multiple butterflies in one net, but they are flying too fast and too unevenly. Instead I’ve been attempting desperately to revert back to a person I was a couple of years ago whose focus, determination and frankly, obsession, paid off with extreme fervor. Where has that person gone? Maybe she is never able to come back. Maybe she’s suddenly realized life is just too short to be so concerned with appearance to the point where she sacrifices everything just for a few glorious moments of sheer, selfish vanity.
Goodbye, summer. May you give way to not only times of excess and ecstasy that I know are up and coming, but also to a time and place that I would like to reclaim as my own when I had goals and I unabashedly reached for them without looking at the person I am today and thinking, ‘I can’t.’ Autumn, may you solidify and make clear that the choices I am making, will make, and am determined to make.