You can’t be happy all the time. There will always be times when you visit bouts of unhappiness. Unhappiness is always an unwelcome visitor; it’s one that overstays its welcome the minute it arrives. But it’s inevitable. And thankfully for most of us, it’s only a visitor, not a resident, and its black hole of misery combined with its uncanny ability to affect you and everything and everyone around you will eventually leave and bring most, if not all of its baggage along too.
Loneliness is a feeling that often accompanies unhappiness. Some of us are unhappy being lonely, and there are too many ways to be lonely in the first place; there is loneliness when you’re physically ‘alone’ and there is no one there and no one to talk to. There is also loneliness where, despite being among people, you feel inherently alone and unloved. I always suspected and felt strongly that the latter is a much worse – much more potent form of loneliness. However, this is not always the truth.
Being alone for extended periods of time gives you a leaden feeling. It decreases your will, drive and need to not be lonely. It traps you into reclusion. It makes you feel like there isn’t a point to anything, so you might as well do nothing. Because sometimes nothing is just all there is to do. It consumes everything around you until you’re physically and emotionally dying or worse, dead. At least if you’re around people there might be someone, even just momentarily, to cling to and grab hold of. Being alone, there is nobody. Except you, in your own body, with your own presence, missing those who aren’t there whose mere presence would make all the difference in the world. There are too many people I miss. I want to wish them all here, right now, but that’s not going to happen. They’re not here. I still spend each and every evening completely alone.
In my daily life, I interact with so many people; store clerks, coworkers, ‘clients’ (for lack of a better word). But all of these people seem to just pass me by until I’m empty because of consistently empty interactions. When all you want is real conversation, receiving these tiny shards of human interaction is even lonelier. Loneliness will stare you in the face. It will heave and harass and pain you. Sometimes it even strips you of your dignity and it will certainly strip you from your happiness.
And yet, the light of loneliness is the ability to become accustomed to its visits. Suddenly, the world of aloneness is entirely yours and you reach a point where loneliness is so ramped, there is only room in its life for you. It encases you in its powers until you take on its properties: stagnation, sadness, darkness, depth, solitude. Soon, you wish to reach out to people until suddenly you realize, you don’t know how to do that anymore.