An Open Letter to Match.com:

Dear Match.com:

Whenever I watch TV it seems, I come across your commercial where you tell me that “the world has changed” and that more and more relationships are beginning online. You seem to say this with this positive, uplifting voice and in all honesty, I have to say I don’t think this statistic, whether it’s true or not, is warming, comforting or positive at all. In fact, it’s sad; it’s scary; and also, I’m not buying into it at all.

I’ve done online dating. I have. And let me tell you what’s like: You meet people looking for booty calls, you meet people so awkward they can hardly carry a conversation, you meet legitimately nice people you don’t really have anything in common with, you wake up the morning of the date dreading the feeling of meeting a complete stranger in public for the first time. But… you never, ever meet your soul mate.

I know how you’ll respond; you’ll tell me I wasn’t on the right  site, I wasn’t looking hard enough, I wasn’t putting myself out there, I gave up too quickly, and ‘he’s out there.’

Yeah – he is out there. I can be 100% sure of that. But he’s not going to be found on a computer screen. He just isn’t. I’m sure there are a lot of wonderful people out there on the world wide web; I even know some of them, and I commend them for putting up with so much bullshit in their online dating lives. But… in love, I am looking for something more extraordinary than that.

Online dating is lazy. Sorry – it is. It’s basically saying to the ‘fates’, should they exist, “I’ve given up trying to communicate and reach someone in real-time, so I’m going to search for them online instead.” It’s a catalogue of people – they could be anyone, and you’re first of all, judging them based on a photo and a few paragraphs about themselves, their salary and educational background, etc. and making a decision as to whether or not you’d date them before even knowing how it is they communicate at all in person. And secondly, you’re meeting up with them when you both know that you’re actively seeking  someone to “date” and this creates all kinds of stigmas thereafter; desperation? An easy lay? Lonely? And so on.

And who can blame people for wanting to online date? The world is lazy; why phone when you can text? Why write a letter when you could go on Facebook? Why send a card when you could send an e-card? It’s faster, it’s better, it’s ‘the norm’. But you know what? That doesn’t make it better! And it doesn’t make it acceptable! I don’t want to succumb to a change that doesn’t need to exist and in fact, defines my generation as a bunch of lazy people who can no longer communicate in real-time because they spend all their time in front of a computer when they could be out meeting and connecting with people in their real lives without that crutch. There’s no Goddamn way I’m going to stand by and let people like you tell me this is just “how things are” and we should roll with the changes.

Because unlike those you’re marketing to you, I DO believe in magic; REAL magic; I believe in something extraordinary and real that can happen in real-time; when you meet someone and look into their eyes for the first time simultaneously; when you sit down and have a pint and pick someone’s brain in a pub or walk downtown in the afternoon. When you talk with someone and let your walls fall down organically, and feel them falling down when you’re sitting right beside someone – someone you like inside, outside and close beside you. Trust me. There’s nothing more amazing than that. There’s nothing more real than that.

So to any of your members or prospective members… good luck in their quest for love; I wish them the best and I believe if they find something real it’s no less ‘authentic’ than what someone else can find in a bar or a book store. But… courtship is something that must be felt and seen and not something that can be read on my laptop at home.

M

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4 thoughts on “An Open Letter to Match.com:

  1. You also meet “47 year olds” who look like your deceased 102+ year old grandmother, ladies with more facial hair than “The Dictator- ie, Sasha Cohen, and every multiple personality freak within a 500 mile radius.

  2. This is an open letter to all of the men on Match.com

    For starters, don’t lie. Don’t lie about your height, don’t lie about your weight, don’t lie about your salary and don’t lie and say your friend/sister/niece wrote the ad for you. And for God sake, don’t lie about your state of finances.

    Please don’t write that your 5’11 then show up to my house suddenly 7 inches shorter. Please don’t reveal that your salary is “$100,000 – 150,000.00” then take me to dinner in your fifteen year-old car with the missing grill, the soda cans all over and the door that sounds like it’s going to fall off the hinges. Don’t write that you enjoy the finer things in life than take me to a restaurant that serves “Lob-Steer” on the menu (no, that’s not a misprint, that’s what’s on the menu, complete with a little trademark sign over it). Don’t tell me you enjoy traveling to “exotic locales” than invite me for a weekend in Seaside Heights. And by the way, Motel 6 (or any other motel with a number in it), doesn’t count as a luxury resort.

    Please don’t make comments when we women tell you we spend $700.00 on shoes, $2500.00 on rent or $3,000.00 on a handbag. We’re smart, independent and successful; we can spend our money any way we want to. Don’t ask us about our sex lives during the first phone call. Are you in high school? And for God Sake, stop asking if we’ve read “Fifty Shades of Grey”.

    Please don’t tell us you make six figures a year, then have to explain your cell phone being turned off as some “kind of glitch with Verizon”. Verizon jas no “glitches” that would entail your phone wrongly being turned off. You didn’t pay your damn bill! Don’t say you have great medical and dental insurance when you have missing teeth. Do you think women don’t notice these things?

    And for God sake, leave your damn vacation photos off of your profile. Same for ten pictures of the sunset, you without a shirt, pictures of your dog, you on your bicycle and the all-time favorite – you standing in front of a car. This picture is usually of you, standing next to SOMEONE ELSE’S $90,000.00 Porsche/Mercedes/Audi. Know how we know it’s not your car? The car in the picture is usually parked on the street or in a parking lot. You’ve wrangled one of your friends into take g a picture of you near the car. Yes, I say “near the car”, because you are standing about two feet from the car. Close enough to get the car in the picture, yet far enough away so that the owner (should he/she show up), won’t think that you’re completely nuts for taking a picture of their car. We do notice that you’re never actually sitting in the car, or even have the car door open! Please don’t stand in front of someone’s $90,000.00 Mercedes, only to tell us later that you drive a Ford Pinto. Nothing wrong with the Pinto, but why lie?

    Is it so hard to put a shirt on for a damn picture? Or do you think ‘re we’re going to love the bare-chested look (this picture is usually taken by the swell catch, himself, in his bathroom, so that you get the picture of him, his cell phone flash and the mirror)! Really, guys??. And you all think you have the monopoly on what women want?

    And for the love of God, stop lying about your weight, only to tell us during the first phone call that you’ve “put on afew pounds since the photo was taken”. A pound or two is fine, but don’t show up at our doors looking like John Candy (God rest his soul), when you somehow looked like John Cusack in your profile picture. Speaking of pictures (yet again), do you really need to put pictures of food in your profile? We don’t need to see a picture of you holding up a plate of friend mushrooms in a diner, same goes for the bar picture of you in your football jersey. How about a nice, normal picture?

    Please don’t be fifty pounds overweight than have the audacity to say you are only looking for someone “slender”, “athletic” or “toned”. Are you joking? Last but not least in the picture department – take the pictures of your children off of your profile! With all of the nuts out there, you have the audacity to put your children’s pictures on your profile?

    Moving on to what your favorites are. Walking around NY, eating sushi and visiting museums are getting old. We like to eat sushi too, it’s just not one of my favorite things to be doing. Walking in Positano after a nice meal, is. Volunteering at a soup kitchen is, as well. And please don’t tell us that you like Italian food. 99.9% of the population enjoys Italian food. Same for ice cream, pizza and “a good steak”. Can you be a little more creative?

    We all know your favorite TV shows are Two and a Half Men, Made Men and The Simpsons. You’re emailing successful women who make six figures a year, can you make the attempt to possibly say you watch or read the news?

    And while you’re trying, when you email us, can you please not abbreviate with childish slang? “How r u tnite” isn’t impressive, it’s what my six year old niece would text. I know how hard putting the actual words together is, but hey, according to your profile you’re the hedge fund manager at a successful investment banking company, so you should know how to spell!

    Here are some phrases that are NOT alright to use on the first phone call, email or date (or really any other time). “F$&@”, “SH@t” or any other of George Carlins’ words. It’s not impressive, guys, it’s disgusting. Especially when you say you’re looking for a classy, educated women. That language is a sure-fire way to land one. The only thing more disgusting than the language is you telling us your prejudiced against gay people, fat people or any ethnic culture.

    Speaking of professions, Please don’t put “Entrepreneur” down, only to tell us later that you are actually a “consultant” who is now between jobs. Tell us honestly what you do for a living. We’d have more respect for you if you told us honestly that you do underwater basket weaving, then lying.

    And the grand finale – the height. Are you really looking for a woman anywhere from 3″1 – 8″5″. Really guys, take the time to actually state your preference.

    So there you have it, men. Just a few clues to get you on thetinet track to meeting

  3. You figure that smartnsavy hasn’t had any Dick in a long time because she her self thinks she a 100k educated lady
    Talking shit lol

    Oh god

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