I know that they say North America has an obsession with food — I agree — it’s the whole comfort thing; also, the whole short stack and eggs for $4.99 thing. But generally, food is a big part of North American culture (and other cultures too — where would Italy and Greece be if not for food? Let’s be real).

Before I started dieting, I didn’t think as much about food as I do now. It’s true; though that may seem nonsensical, the thing is – when you don’t think about what you’re eating, it’s like the blind leading the blind – meaning, you just eat what’s there and when you’re not watching or thinking about it, you might as well be swallowing mouthfuls of air or water. Once you start thinking, food becomes engrained into your consciousness. It becomes soulful and important and at the forefront of your mind. There are times when food just crosses my mind; it consumes me, the thoughts of it, the want and need to eat it, the perfectionist thinking that maybe addicts feel where when you eat one thing that is considered “bad” for you, the entire day is a lost cause of binging and sugar.

The thought lingers; it lingers and lingers until you give into its powers – the thought of eating something that is good for the moment… and once you give in to that sickening, obsessive thought, the guilt consumes more than the food does; you can’t take it back once you’ve eaten it. The deed is done.

Even when I have what I call “a good day” – one where I count every calorie and fixate myself on eating healthy — that obsession with ‘good’ good is still an obsession; the thought of food still weighs on my mind and is still powerful and intense. It is a focus that in the last year, I haven’t been able to let go of; it’s always food. For good or for bad, whether I’m binging on garbage or exercising and re-fueling with yogurt, I think about every single thing that I eat. I love food; I do – and I also hate its grip on me in every single regard.


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