Dreams

I’m cynical.

So cynical, I’ve had people tell me that the tone of my voice contains weighted sarcasm.

This weekend, I was thinking about my own cynicism and its striking ability to bridle me into staying within the boundaries of comfort; I get comfortable, I get afraid, I figure, “I won’t ever achieve what I’d like to achieve anyways, so there is no point in trying”, and then… I. Don’t. Try. At all.

And I have to ask myself — at 23, am I really SO incredibly jaded and cynical that I’ve become too lazy to pursue and follow my dreams? Am I really so dulled and numbed by failures, by the building of walls made from past experiences around myself, that I won’t just go for what I want, with all kinds of disregard for the chance that something might ACTUALLY work? Yes… the sad fact remains… I am. I am too afraid, too lazy, too jaded, too far at one end of the spectrum of expecting the worst, to achieve that might turn out to be the best thing that’s ever happened to me… sometimes, I am stricken by the gust of promise that passes through me, blowing through my hair. But it is fleeting; why? Why is my ability to pursue, pursue, pursue– fleeting? The sentence, “you have nothing to lose” is one I know, and it’s good advice; but the problem is, I can’t take it. Because deep down, I must truly believe that I DO have something to lose.

Dreams are called just that; dreams. Because they are impressionistic paintings in one’s subconsicousness. They are not fully realized ideas, fully drawn images, not full grasps of reality; they are flawed and nonsensical and often contain nothing cocrete as it pertains to what is un-affectionately referred to as “the real world”; dreams are just that: they are dreams. According to Disney, they are wishes your heart makes; and wishes are as fleeting as those sudden gusts of hope, of vigour.

Dreams in my world, are not to be followed; they are something forbidden and something strange and something foreign to me in my version of the real world. And because of this, I am blocking myself from taking those paintings and making from them, a photograph – something that I have taken of the world and can see with full, sensible clarity. Some dreams should remain dormant inside of you. And some dreams should not; in my world, I don’t know the difference so to me, they are all dormant.

And that is going to change.

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