I have no faith at all in people anymore. And why should I? The person I had faith in the most, more than almost anyone else, turned out to be a complete narcassisstic prick. And I didn’t see it, or maybe I didn’t want to because I didn’t want to be the person who was shrouded in shadow comfortably and then forced to be subjected to the cruelty of a vibrant and overtly revealing light. There is a particular issue of shame attached to light like that; no one likes to be ashamed. Shame is one of the worst feelings in the world to feel, aside from heartbreak (which is, I believe, 50% shame; the other percentage divided up amongst anger, loneliness, grief and the biting awakening of change). I’m ashamed right now. I sit here in my chair, ashamed that someone who I thought was compassionate and caring, turned out to be nothign more than an ego with a concealing personality. It’s stripped me of my dignity, this instance of realization. Or what little dignity I had left.

I haven’t gotten a lot out of life in the last two years, in a certain kind of way; my progress into adulthood exploded in 2009 , but it’s not enough to clear me of this issue of shame and regret (for new reasons now) that I have. I wonder if it ever will be. What I mean by that I haven’t gotten a lot out of life is, I feel still attached to this idea about life I held two years ago, even though that idea has been more than proven false; and I’m not justified in feeling the way I feel. I’m just not. And yet, I can’t stop myself. I tried to change myself – that didn’t work; I tried to be honest in order to move forward – that didn’t work; I tried venturing out of my comfort zone – that didn’t work and in fact, probably made things worse by resurrecting certain demons that nestle into my shoulder every day anyways. Why did I do that? That was really stupid. Anyways…

It seems nothing brings back that lust for life and complete and total unabridged joy that I used to feel when I was first 17 and 18, then 20 and 21… I miss my youth, when I could hold vibrancy in my hand and blow it out into the world like dandelion seeds, when a blue sky was more than just a solitary blue sky, when I could feel the strengthening bonds of the people all around me, when I was pulled unsuspectingly into the world of someone who fit me just right, before I found out that I was a sheep wearing wolf’s clothing the whole time. I never wanted to be this person. Never.

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