I’ve realized recently that I’m (almost) back in the same place I was in during the summer of 2008 — ie: worst summer ever in recent memory (ugh). What I mean by that is, that a la Jack Bowman in Carol Shields’ Happenstance, I am a woman who has lost her faith. But… haven’t I always been that woman? I have very little faith in myself whatsoever. And because of that lack of faith and confidence, I never try anything new, I never bothered to follow my dreams, and I let that feeling of glory, pride and promise that I felt during my graduation ceremony dissipate and wither and die almost the moment I felt it. And now I associate the real world with something terrifying and hopeless, and I’m finding it difficult to carry on doing what I’m doing, knowing that my dream opportunity is under a rock somewhere that I have to overturn.
In 2009, despite a rough summer of misery and unemployment, I came out of it alive and well — I finally got a job, I got in shape, I reintegrated myself into who I was in 2007 – a GOOD year – and made the most of chances I was given. But lately I feel like it’s not enough. I need more than what I’ve been given. I want to take what’s mine, seize it, and run with it, and never look back. I want to TRULY break out and be someone – the person I envision myself to be in more than just looks. I don’t belong here anymore. I’ve decided it’s time to move on.