So Much

I just got home and it rained on the way, which is wonderful because this is one of the hottest summers I’ve ever lived through in my entire life.  Painful even at times, the blazing heat.  And so to see rainfall and to see things noticably cool down, get breezier and become more liveable is just a small sign of hope.

The world turns against you sometimes, and other times the world turns in your direction, the direction that YOU chose, so much so that the world needs to turn faster to catch up with you.  That’s kind of how I feel right now, to an extent.  That you never TRULY get over rejections and failures but rather, you use them to try harder at your next attempt to succeed.  I’ve just recieved this AMAZING opportunity; and I don’t want to blow it, can’t blow it, won’t waste it.  Because if I do, I’ll never forgive myself.  Because I don’t know when another opportunity like this will come along again.  I can see myself living this life suddenly that said-opportunity may allow me to live, and I can’t imagine my life being any sweeter; rich beyond my wildest dreams with the right free time and the right brand of work that suits my needs and everything just being… right.  I don’t want to be devestated or count too much on this to complete me.  But I’ve been given a chance and I need the world to keep turning the way I want it to.  PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The bottom line is, a lot can change in a few days.  I left Edmonton on… Saturday was it? feeling pretty dejected and humbled by so much badness that was going on and on and on.  But I arrived back here today with a renewed sense of hope, goals and accomplishment.  I feel re-born, like all of the bullshit that’s happened that made me feel worthless is going to come to an end very very soon, one way or another, because I FINALLY get to prove myself.  And even if I don’t, I may just get to in another venue.  Oh God, oh GOD!  FINALLY IT FEELS LIKE REAL LIFE IS STARTING FOR ME!

It’s funny…. when I was in my final year of school, I had friends telling me that I would miss school so much and that I should be grateful for my final year and not waste any time because I would be so sad when it was all over.  I don’t have a pessimistic attitude towards what people dub as “real life”.  I don’t.  I’ve completed a stage of my life that’s made me into the person who’s sitting here typing this right now.  And I like that person, but… I don’t need to complete that cycle again.  It’s over.  And it SHOULD be over.  Because sometimes you can only live a certain way for so long before you have to realize that it is imperitive to move on and up and away from where you were before, rather than spending years and years doing the same old thing for no reason.  I believe in advancement and forward lateral movement.  And once I reach that next stage, I won’t look back on my student life and wish for that again.  Instead, I’ll embrace what’s next. 

As I’m typing this, it’s one of those purely rare moments when everything is good and wonderful and exciting, and it is sincerely great to be alive.


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