Pressing On the Past.

I work at a university and my job is to help undergraduate students with their academic planning.

Lately at my job, I’ve been getting a lot of students coming to me or my colleagues and back-pedaling when it’s far too late to do so; they have suddenly realized they’ve made a mistake and they’re trying to get me to rectify it for them or make an exception so they don’t lose money, or sacrifice their full-time term by being forced to withdraw from a course. The typical answer to these types of inquiries or issues is, “No.” It’s a firm word and we must deliver it with sympathy and a calm demeanor. However, people by their very nature don’t like hearing ‘no’ and they’re either going to react with sadness or they’re going to react with anger. Typically, the latter is what occurs and honestly, if someone is going to shoot the messenger and demand amendment to any variety of published rules in order to help them satisfy their own back-pedaling needs, my answer to those people is; you haven’t learned anything from this experience. It’s not an easy, or a cheap lesson to learn; it’s unfortunate and it sucks. However, now they know. And the next time, they will be more proactive to ensure a situation like this doesn’t crop up again in the future.

It got me thinking about “lessons learned”. I was just having a discussion with a friend and we concurred that the most worthwhile lessons to learn are the ones that are the hardest pills to swallow. Thinking back on my life, this has been really true. The times where I came out on top were the times when I thought, “I can’t believe I did that and rest assured, I am never doing that again.” It’s because things that are easy are things which are unworthy of remembrance. Things that are incredibly difficult, painful or damaging are times in which you realize, I never want to feel this way, or be in this situation, ever again.

The past can be so valuable this way – it is said often (too often, probably) that those who fail to remember the past are doomed to repeat it. Logically, this makes sense; if nothing is learned, the same mistakes, habits and consequently, another dire situation will occur again. Finding value in remembrance can prevent this, and it’s a message I’d like to relay to all my anguished backtrackers. That being said, do you subscribe to the belief that the ‘past’ will serve as a reminder of what to do or not to do in the future? Or does the past hold someone back from achieving that which the long to achieve the most?

My past for example, tells me that I’m going to always love someone who doesn’t love me back. My past also tells me this inherent truth will occur because of other incidents and terrible times in my life that happened through no fault of my own and were a simple matter of circumstance and ill fate, which continually remind me I’m not ‘good enough’, ‘brave enough’ or ‘worthy enough’ to ever achieve someone I want to welcome into my life. This huge crutch talks me out of so many of my life choices because I really don’t BELIEVE I can ever look past that which I’ve interpreted to be the truth based on my past. When something comes up which seems like a positive prospect of the future, there is this need in me to decline it and shoot it down because the past tells me it will never, ever work.

 Yet, I’ve learned so much from my past. It holds me back just as much as providing me with a valuable framework about how to live my life in the present and in the future. I find it positive, even therapeutic and motivating, to actually reflect upon the past; to reminisce, to remember my headspaces in previous incarnations of my life. But sometimes it’s difficult to grapple with the issue of: Is this something I could have changed and will do differently in the future? Or was this in no way my fault and a mater of circumstance which has made me too afraid of having something like this happen again, to the point where I’ll never try?

My wish for anyone I speak to, ultimately who is in the process of learning a difficult lesson, is to LEARN from the mistakes. It won’t prevent you necessarily from being afraid of falling into a period of difficulty in the future, but there is two sides to every scenario in the past; there is someone who is reflecting upon their own choices and actions, and there is unforeseeable, uncontrollable circumstances which contribute to a lot of heaving discomfort. I’m still learning the difference, and this is something else that I know, once sorted, will change my perspective on life profoundly.

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